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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 221 (some duplicates have been removed)
the slightest animation in his face. >> colbert: charles kraut hammer is right, low bar, obama's last debate performance was so bad .. that bar was set at charles kraut hammer. >> now, mitt, on the other hand, mitt, mitt romney, much greater challenge. >> we are told that they have practiced to such a level of detail that he even was preparing how he sits and there is a good reason for that. he is going to be sitting on a bar stool and mitt romney is a mormon, so he doesn't spend a lot of time on bar stools, according to his aides, because he doesn't drink. >> colbert: yes. that is true. that is true. you should know that. only people who drink know how to sit on stools. that's why, whenever you see someone successfully sitting on one, that is an early sign of alcoholism. seek help!, please! >> the guy falling off the stool, that is your designated driver. and that is why last night's debate, i have to tell you, i mean, it was such a challenge for mitt. lack of stool experience. i mean, where would mitt have seen one? his kitchen counter? everyone knows the romney family eats standing at po
into gaza. >>> steve colbert says there are only a couple of differences between him and the brand new fax figurine revealed today at madam tusseaus here in d.c. the real colbert says he's already broadcasted naked from the waist down. couldn't get away with that on this show. bruce leshan reports there's yet another difference as well. >> ladies and gentlemen, one, two, me. >> reporter: stephen colbert plays a right wing pundit on comedy central. like anyone vain enough to appear on tv every night. >> i may be a news junkie but i also got to have my story. >> reporter: he just cannot get enough of himself. ah, self-love. colbert said the artist painted him in dots and measured him with calibers. >> i even sent them a dvd of my latest colonoscopy. >> reporter: ey missed one detail. >> i'm american. >> reporter: tried not to be a pompous tv guy myself. how do they do this? do they dip you entirely in hot wax and it pulls all your hair out and everything. >> most of the time they actually murder the suspect. >> reporter: they didn't murder dan rather but they did relegate him to the gift sho
're going to go to stephen co-bea colbert at the ct report. >> don't tell me anything, jon, no spoilers, please. >> jon: haven't you been watching the news. >> not at all. i can't go into my show knowing anything about what my show is about. [laughter] i answer every show like a newborn baby. clean slate, no preconceptions. semi blind and covered in placenta and goo crying uncontrollably waiting to be spanked by life. >> jon: what are you wearing when this is happening, a diaper? i don't understand. >> well, yorling i don't undersu either. [laughter] >> jon: thank you for that, stephen. have yourself a wonderful election night. >> it's election night, why did you tell me. i said no spoilers. this is the colbert report. >> jon: is that a spoiler alert. can i tell you who is the vampire. vampire the wear wolf. >> vampire. once again it's the colbert on: we'll see you next time. >> i love you. >> jon: love you, baby. captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) the represidenting of america. [laughter] [laughter] who will replace obama. [crowd
a turkey. what did the turkey know about benghazi. this is the "the colbert report". welcome to the program, everybody. [applause]. >> ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the show. >> thank you for joining us. i'm in the tv biz where it's all about the demographics. the demo we call it. i work hard to appeal to the millenials, for example, by calling them millenials. young people love to be target marketed by their birthdate and marketing power. >> you know "gangnam style." no idea what that means but they eat it up. that's right. that's why i stay up on all of the hottest millennial trends. right now there is nothing that 18 to 34 love more than soup player. you need proof. let me school on america's hottest liquid food trend. campbell's go the new youth skewing line of soups made especially for millenials. that's right. every american generation is defined by one thing. the greatest generation stopped hitler. the baby boomers stopped the vietnam war. this generation will go in history for demanding different soup. >> according to the company, campbell's go is a new line of soups designed for
>> vampire. once again it's the colbert captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> the re-presidenting of america. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) who will replace obama? ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you for joining us. thank you, nation. ( crowd chanting ) ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: i've got to tell you, with an ovation like that, you make me almost wish i stayed in this race. ( laughter ) folks, our top story tonight, it is my mother's birthday. and the "colbert report" can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage of the 2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and, folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight, we are live. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please? >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these rubes. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rubes. now let's get straight to our coverag
factor in the 2012 election. i might have even founded one, colbert super pac. i don't know if you remember our motto, making a better tomorrow -- >> tomorrow! >> stephen: wow, i'm surprised. i didn't really make that big of a deal of it. (laughter) you see me and everybody else who had a super pac thought we were playas. well, turned out we were scrubbed. jim? >> you had the super pacs spending literally billions of dollars, billions of dollars to defeat the president while the president was re-elected. >> seems like people like karl rove and others who took a lot of money for the super pacs -- >> rove was in denial but you can understand why. his american crossroa crossroads-- according to some foundation just 1.29% of that money went to candidates who actually won. 1.29%. >> you know some of the guys that he took money from are casino owners. they know guy with flat knowses and brass knuckles who going to want to be known what happened with the money. >> stephen: karl's in big trouble. (laughter) they're going to take his thumbs and karl is almost all thumbs. (laughter) (applaus
. this is cheating death with dr. steven colbert, dfa. this girl where's the pretty lady? >> that's a two, my friend. a quick disclaimer i'm not a medical doctor. i have an honoree doctorate in fine arts which is why i give pap smears to georgia o'keefe paintings. as always cheating death is brought to you by prescott our products are made with tlc. tetro lycine hydrochloride. not a provne carcinogen. first up drug health. a new study in taiwan could lead to a new way to battle influenza. taiwanese found that meth may have have flu fighting properties. no surprise after all it's feed a fever, starve a cold. lose all your teeth to flu. this was made when meth would increase user's risk for getting sick with the flu. but in a surprising result when they exposed cells to meth it reduced virus propagation, and the susceptibility to influenza infection. that's right. meth will fight off your flu. which is only fair which is meth is the reason you were sleeping naked outside in the first place. the point is that other than brain damage, heart disease and psychosis, and destroying or own life and others me
colbert in the ultimate and on the ultimate voter. colbert in the ultimate and on the ultimate voter. >>> welcome back to "early today" at democracy plaza. we'll find out who the next elected president is in the united states. your forecast today, we are looking pretty nice in many spots of the west. lots of sunshine and warm conditions out there but in the northwest we have a frontal system coming in that will bring showers to the area. those will clear out tomorrow. whatever your plans are tomorrow, we're looking nice. there's going to be a big change in the west. looks like a significant cooldown and a bigger storm as we go throughout the end of this week. we'll keep an eye on that. election day a-okay. >> bill, thanks so much. >>> on this on-election-day-eve, stephen colbert looked at the last-minute campaigning. >> it is election eve, just hours left in the 2012 campaign. both candidates are pulling out all the stops. >> the president will be florida, new hampshire, colorado, ohio, wisconsin and ohio. lem show you the mitt romney schedule. he's trying to go into pennsylvania. it
a turkey. what did the turkey know about benghazi? ( laughter ) this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i'm in the tv biz, where it's all about the demo graphics -- the demo, we call it. so i work hard to appeal to the millennials. for example, by calling them millennials. ( laughter ) young people love being target marketed by their births date and purchasing power, you know, gangnam style. ( cheers and applause ) no idea what that means, but they eat it up! that's why-- that's why i stay up on all the hottest millennial trends. and right now, there is nothing 18- to 34-year-old upper middle-income kids love more than soup, playah! you need proof? well, let me school you on america's hottest liquid food trend, campbell's go, the new youth-scwug line of sumes made especially for millennials. that's right. every american generation is defined by one thi
, our top story tonight, it is my mother's birthday. and the "colbert report" can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage of the 2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and, folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight, we are live. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please? >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these rubes. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rubes. now let's get straight to our coverage. it is 11:33 eastern time on election night. at this point, the election is too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. but it could be a very long night and we will be live for as long as it takes, as long as it takes is the next half hour. you got to be done before the election special, which is a video of a go getting nailed in the crotch by a pumpkin. ( laughter ) that was called an october surprise. i'
medicine. which is why i chuckle at sick people. this is cheating death with dr. stephen t. colbert, d.f.a. where's the pretty lady? ( laughter ) a quick disclaimer, i am not a medical doctor. i have an honorar doctorate in fine arts which is why i give pam sneers georgia o'keefe's paintings. as always, cheating death is it brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals. prescott-- our products are made with t.l.c., tetro-licene-chlorofluoride. not a proven carcinogen. first up, drug health. a new study out of taiwan could lead to a breakthrough in battling ipfluenza. taiwanese scientists found of found meth may have flu-fighting properties. it's feed a fever, starve a cold. this discovery was made when scientists were trying to determine if meth would increase users' risk for getting sick with the flu. but in a surprising result, when they expose cells to meth, it reduce virus propagation and susceptibility to influenza infection. that's right. meth will fight off your flu. meth is the reason you were sleeping outside naked in the first place. the point is, the point is, folks, science
. ( laughter ) folks, our top story tonight, it is my mother's birthday. and the "colbert report" can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage of the 2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and, folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight, we are live. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please? >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these rubes. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rubes. now let's get straight to our coverage. it is 11:33 eastern time on election night. at this point, the election is too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. but it could be a very long night and we will be live for as long as it takes, as long as it takes is the next half hour. you got to be done before the election special, which is a video of a go getting nailed in the crotch by a pumpkin. ( laughter ) that was called an o
a debate. james colbert joins us, policy director for jinsa, the jewish institute for national security affairs. yousef munayyer is executive director of the jerusalem fund and its educational program, the palestine center. james colbert, we have figures, and they're changing every moment, more than 139 palestinians have been killed, five israelis have been killed, the cease-fire has not been achieved at this point. the israeli military is continuing to bombard gaza and in tel aviv, with a bomb exploding on a bus, injuring about 21 people. talk about what is happening right now. >> you're seeing an ongoing conflict hamas is raging against israel that has been going on for a very long time. it cycles up as a mass feels more emboldened by changes in egypt, changes in support from iran and other changes related to the palestinian authority. the rapidly has increased the amount of rocket fire into israel and then took the unprecedented, but further step in week and a half ago of targeting israelis in israel not for indirect fire rockets and mortars, but i direct fire, anti-tank missiles and
that saved her mother's life. >>> and steven colbert is seeing double in the district. >>> stories of heroism are now emerging from that disaster of a train crash down in texas. four american veterans were killed when a freight train plowed into their parade float. it happened down in midland, texas, yesterday. investigators from the ntsb are on the scene there now. one of the soldiers on that float pushed his wife off the trailer just before impact. he saved her life. but he was killed in the accident. >> it was a chaotic scene. it was loud. it was noisy. people were panicking. >> that was the doctor we just heard from, he was volunteering at the event and rushed to help. he served both in iraq and afghanistan. investigators will look at whether stop lights on the road had backed up traffic which left a float unable to get all the way across the tracks in time. >>> there's new optimism regarding the deficit deal today. president obama and top congressional leaders said they're ready to compromise on a budget and avoid the looming fiscal cliff, as danielle lee reports now. they face growing p
central ephen colbert puts his debut on his wax figure here in washington. >>> we're looking at kind of a chilly night but a pretty nice november night for high school football play-offs. potentially dress for the 40's if you're going to go to a high school football game tonight. we'll come back and take you all the way through the weekend and into next week, including travel day wednesday. >>> but first, democrats and republicans sit down for their first meeting on finally find a way to avoid the fiscal cliff. >>> you know, we're laughing at the graphic with the people going -- it's not funny. >> it's not funny. >> but the graphic is funny. we gotta have a little bit of levity when we're talking about something this crazy. >> and that has gone this far. >> congressional leaders and president obama held talks today about how to avoid the so- called fiscal cliff. >> they have until the end of the year to come to a budget agreement. and spending cuts go into effect at the same time and could plunge the economy back into a recession. both sides are optimistic a deal can be reached. >> i
understood it, eminem and snap rl teaming up to bring cherrys to mars. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, good to have you with us. thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, please sit down! let's get to our top story tonight. television host stephen colbert has announced his resignation from "the colbert report" effective immediately. (laughter) because, folks, i am stinking filthy rich! (laughter) jimmy, tell them why! >> power bavl sales are skyrocketing, upping both the jackpot and the odds that somebody will actually win the big prize tonight. it sits at $550 million. >> stephen: $550 million! suck my powerball! (laughter and applause) jimmy, play my jam. ♪ you're a rich girl and you've gone too far ♪ because you know it don't matter anyway -- ♪ (cheers and applause) ♪ you can rely on the old man's money -- ♪ >> stephen: now -- (laughs) whoo! (cheers and applause) now i know that lotto money is going to be mine, okay? even though th
even shave and shower. [laughter] right now we're going to go to stephen co-bea colbert at the ct report. >> don't tell me anything, jon, no spoilers, please. >> jon: haven't you been watching the news. >> not at all. i can't go into my show knowing anything about what my show is about. [laughter] i answer every show like a newborn baby. clean slate, no preconceptions. semi blind and covered in placenta and goo crying uncontrollably waiting to be spanked by life. >> jon: what are you wearing when this is happening, a diaper? i don't understand. >> well, yorling i don't undersu either. [laughter] >> jon: thank you for that, stephen. have yourself a wonderful election night. >> it's election night, why did you tell me. i said no spoilers. this is the colbert report. >> jon: is that a spoiler alert. can i tell you who is the vampire. vampire the wear wolf. >> vampire. once again it's the colbert captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> the re-presidenting of america. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) who will replace obama? ( c
than sometime. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much! (cheers and applause) folks, i hope you had a great thanksgiving. i did. first of all a caught up on homeland. you guys see that show on the showtime channel. i love that chaenl. now if you haven't seen it, it's the twisting tale of an iraq war vet who may or may not be a terrorist op rattive, or a double agent whose's been brainwashed by al qaeda who matches wits with a by polar cia op rattive who is convinced that he's part of an attack against america and is an on-again, off-again affair with him. >> here what i can't figure out. when do they charge their cell phones? they're always on them. always! and they're always full, never plugged into anything. not even in the car. it's always like full bars. dc, beirut, baghdad, great reception. makes the whole thing kind of unbelievable. (laughter) anyway, hi a grea
on bob barker is on ebay for $3.5 million. i bid one dollar. (laughter) this is "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good to have you with us! (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for your support. you know i mean that. welcome to the "report." i've got to thank you people for standing with me and standing by me and standing behind me because for seven years running the "report" has been the number one cable news show on this network at 11:30. (cheers and applause) it's official. i just found that out. folks, you don't get to the top without making a few enemies. so once again it's time for "who's attacking me now?" (laughter) tonight i am once again in the cross hairs of the canadian press. (boos) it seems that the maple stream media have their mittens in a bunch over something i said in my new book "america again: rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." (cheers and applause) this thing makes a great christmas
in one of these states, "the colbert report" is now issuing a severe candidate warning. be prepared with fresh water and flashlights and please, if you have a single working class female suburban undecided vote never your home, cover her with plywood. or she could just get sukd up into a vortex of pandering. now folks, over a year ago i promised to make you a player in this election thanks to colbert super pac. you know our motto, making a better tomorrow -- >> tomorrow! >> stephen: i remember when i came up with that slogan. seems just like yesterday, yesterday. if are you looking for a little proof of just how influential we have been in this election, well, listen mitt romney today. giving his closing arguments. >> your work is making a difference. the people of the world are watching. the people of america are watching. we could begin a better tomorrow tomorrow. >> stephen: he used our slogan! (cheers and applause) i love you! folks, i think-- i think that proves that m itt is a candidate just as serious and sincere as i am. (laughter) i mean my words, his mouth. i feel like i'm
steven colbert brought his antics to the district and faced a debate with his look alike. >>> also ahead, two prince george's county police officers suspended. >>> what are your thanksgiving day plans? chat with us online this morning. we are on facebook and twitter. all you have to do is search news 4 today. we're back in a moment. >>> two prince george's county police officers suspended after a video surfaced apparently showing them harassing a driver during a traffic stop. the chief says the two officers were off duty but in uniform at the time and at the request of a local comedian they pulled over a black man. now, the officers, who were also black, then used demeaning language and racial slurs. it was supposed to be a spoof on racial profiling but the chief says there was nothing funny about the video. >> i watched it and was disgusted by what i saw. the video is disparaging not only to this profession but to our community that we serve. it depicts our officers, our community in a terrible light, and it's just unacceptable. >> both officers will face a hearing next week. they could
ahead, bill karins will have the weather and stephen colbert on the ultimate voter. please be sure to share the photos you've taken of election day experience. you can use #2012. might show them on air or online. [ male announcer ] the way it moves. the way it cleans. everything about the oral-b power brush is simply revolutionary. oral-b power brushes oscillate, rotate and even pulsate to gently loosen and break up that sticky plaque with more brush movements than manual brushes and even up to 50% more than leading sonic technology brushes for a superior clean. oral-b power brushes. go to oralb.com for the latest offers. at legalzoom, we've created a better place to turn for your legal matters. maybe you want to incorporate a business you'd like to start. or protect your family with a will or living trust. legalzoom makes it easy with step-by-step help when completing your personalized document -- or you can even access an attorney to guide you along. with an "a" rating from the better business bureau legalzoom helps you get personalized and affordable legal protection. in most st
that in a live report a short time from now. >>> also today, stephen colbert has already had enough of your questions about the 2016 presidential race. 2016, folks, the election just ended. take a break. we'll show you stephen's rant coming up later in the show. >>> first to the news right here at 30 rock in new york city and we begin with a looming showdown over the so-called fiscal cliff. the white house is showing its cards and sending a message ahead of the president's face-to-face meeting with republican congressional leaders. it'll take place on friday. president obama plans to open negotiations by calling for $1.6 trillion in additional tax revenue over the next decade. that amount is likely far more than republicans would be willing to accept and double the amount that speaker boehner had offered the president during their debt negotiations last year. today, the president is scheduled to meet with ceos from a dozen companies among them general electric, ford and ibm. they'll discuss ways to work together and try to find a balanced approach to reducing the deficit. during a closed do
be cast in wax if only to remove unwanted body hair. >> comedian stephen colbert honored with his own wax figure at madame tussauds. >>> tempers are flaring and oil rising jumping more than $1 a barrel, investors keeping a very close eye on the fighting between the israelis and palestinian militants in the middle east. here at moment an important recall coming out ahead of a busy travel season, this one involving certain travel beds for babies made by a company called kid co. the consumer product safety commission fears babies may roll over and suffocate while inside something called the pea pod travel cribs. meantime, time to horde those twinkies. the maker of the sweet treats says it's turning off the ovens and letting more than 18,000 workers go. hostess has been in financial trouble a long time and the recent union strike delivering the final blow. looking ahead to sunday nintendo hopes to change the way you game launching its new wii u gaming system. presale orders selling out at several retailers. that's business. i'm neil cavuto.   >> this fox 5 stock marke
have caught him the other night advising his clients, stephen colbert about the super pac they'd created for stephen last year in the clever move to expose corruption. >> can i somehow give the money to myself and thereby hide it forever and use it in the ways that i wish? >> actually, you can. >> colbert nation is in good legal hands with trevor potter. he knows how the system works. he advised george h.w. bush and john mccain on their campaigns for the white house. he helped draft the mccain-feingold reform act, chaired the commission and founded the campaign legal center and that's a nonpartisan group working with other campaign finance reformers to counter the influence of the $6 billion election. welcome back, trevor. >> thank you very much. nice to be here. >> so did the money matter or not? >> let me give you an analogy that you would appreciate on the east coast which is if you have a hurricane and you come out ask say i'm still alive, do you stop worrying about hurricanes? no, and i think that's where we a are. the tidal wave of money is there. it left lots of democrat
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 221 (some duplicates have been removed)